Mindy 1 / Fatty McFatburger 0

This past weekend..the fiance and I had a talk about Conscious Living… basically the concept of thinking before doing in every aspect of life. Too often we go though life on auto pilot day in and day out. Most days I can’t even tell you about my drive to and from work.. I just miraculously end up at my destination 45 minutes later.

Today I practiced conscious living. During my morning walk I made the decision to go just a little further (about 3/4 mile further) which ended up adding about 10 minutes to my walk. I hadn’t prepared for this extra time to be spent before work so I was running a little late trying to get ready and such.

As I was watching the minutes quickly ticking away I started to stress about how I was going to find time to make myself breakfast. My mind immediately jumped to “Oh, I guess I will just have to go to Mickey D’s…shucks! Some breakfast is better than no breakfast, right?!” Wrong.

As soon as I uttered those words in my mind I was able to recognize what I was doing… making excuses to fall into habits that I’m desperately trying to break.

I started to remind myself that I had JUST gotten out of bed 30 minutes early so I could trek my booty around the neighborhood for exercise. I reminded myself that if I hadn’t gone to Mickey D’s so many times for breakfast in the past I may not be needing to be getting up so early to walk (of course, the walking is fabulous for me anyway..but I was trying to motivate myself lol)

I ended up going downstairs and making myself some oatmeal, grabbing a bottle of water and an apple for the road 🙂

Mindy 1 / Fatty McFatburgers 0

Day 1 (and all of Week 1) Lunch

I may or may not have mentioned on a previous post, but I am a creature of habit. It is too much of a hassle for me to try and come up with something new and healthy to eat everyday for lunch so I typically decide on one lunch idea per week. When I don’t plan ahead..I end up going to a fast food joint or getting take out during  my work week and when you have an office job, that is one of the quickest ways to ensure big booty-itis.

This week I’ve planned to have tuna lettuce wraps with cuke, tomato and onion salad. In the salad I use rice vinegar and just a little bit of pepper and it is ORGASMIC. This is a quick lunch that is high in protein and low in calories (just watch how much mayo you use in the Tuna! Or be like me and just do what you normally would do with the  mayo because afterall this is a life change…not a quick fix diet plan and regardless this is still FAR healthier than any take out)

Day 1: Start Over Again

Today marks another Day 1 of many Day 1s in my lifetime.

After an extremely emotionally taxing weekend (see previous blog post) I decided to try and take back control of my life today. I started off this week on the right foot with a 1.3 mile walk this morning at 6:45 a.m. Normally I can’t pull myself out of bed at 6:45 let alone get up and walk..but thanks to Daylight Savings Time it is now daylight when I wake up. Also, extremely helpful, was my mom also took a walk at the same time with me. We became cyber walking buddies! Knowing that someone was doing the same thing as me was incredibly helpful.

After the walk I headed in to get ready for work and eat a healthy breakfast of pineapple slices and Weight Watchers Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (this stuff is amazing if you haven’t tried it before. I don’t even care for oatmeal normally but this is like dessert! lol)

Last night I had prepared this week’s lunches (tuna fish lettuce wrap with a side of cucumber, onion and tomato salad [favorite]) and dinners have been planned for the rest of the week. Hopefully this will keep the fiance and I from having to eat out… saving money and calories.

So that’s how the week is starting, let’s see what it has in store for me! So far..feeling GREAT and IN CONTROL.

Current Measurements:
Waist: 37.75″
Hips: 44″
Bust: 43″

If you’re happy and you know it… [silence]

Have you ever felt ashamed to be in your own skin? Have you ever felt like you were unworthy of anyone finding you attractive or loving you? Or maybe you feel like a complete failure because you can’t stick with a healthy lifestyle? Does your mind constantly conjure up thoughts defeating your self worth? This is my life right now.

I’ve always struggled with my weight. I have always had highs and lows when it comes to how I feel about my appearance… this time is different.

About 3 months ago I fell off of the “healthy lifestyle” wagon. This time of falling off was no different than any other time in my 34 years of life..or so I thought.  However, this time I’ve found myself battling not only with my body but with my mind in ways I couldn’t imagine.

I’ve always been able to snap out of a bad mood. I’m known to most people as the cheerful, optimistic type. Someone who is always giggling or trying to make people smile.  Someone who doesn’t take life too seriously. I used to recognize that within myself… but that person is currently buried and I’m not sure where she is. I try to put on a happy face and I try to maintain my ‘cheerful’ role in life around all of my friends and family but recently I’m starting to break.

Driving home from work on Friday afternoon I began uncontrollably crying. My mind a jumble of negative self talk; belittling myself for not having more control over my unhealthy lifestyle. I felt like a failure. The more that I tried to tell myself that all I needed to do was start walking, start cooking dinner, etc.. the more I felt like a failure for not being able to do these simple tasks. The more I tried to pull myself together, the more I felt like a failure.

Last night after what would seem like a perfect day I broke down again. This time my fiance was there to catch my fall. My feelings of being down on myself do not only effect me but they effect him as well. My feelings of myself are that I am so unattractive that there is no possible way that he could want to love me. He tells me constantly how ‘beautiful’ I am and how attracted he is to me… but my brain doesn’t allow me to believe these things. I am completely embarrassed and ashamed over the thought of being intimate because I don’t want him to see me the way that I see me.

I have honestly never felt so low.

Feeling this way is hard to explain to people who love you. They often don’t understand the depth of your feelings or don’t understand your reasons for them because they love you and see you in a completely opposite way. Many times throughout life I’ve opened up to people about my body image issues, normally romantic partners, but the response is almost always the same… “you’re beautiful. There are people out there a lot more unhealthy than you and they are still happy.” I know that this response comes from a place of wanting to help, but instead it typically makes me feel like even more of a failure. I feel ashamed for my feelings of seeing myself negatively when there are other people who by appearance are more unhealthy than me and appear to be loving their bodies. People often think that I’m just being overly dramatic in regards to my body because I am not morbidly obese…but to me these feelings are something I don’t have control over even though I know they are often illogical.

I don’t have an ideal body in mind. I don’t have an ideal weight or size. More than anything I want to just FEEL proud to be in my own skin. I want to look in the mirror and if not be able to say “I like me” at least be able to say “I’m not perfect, but y’know what..I’m not bad either.”

My fiance recommended to me last night that I should try to write out my feelings in a personal journal.  I chose to do this on this blog because I am positive that I am not the only one out there who is struggling or who has struggled with these feelings. His advice to me was to first get my feelings out in the open  and not to keep them bottled up until I break. I do feel a sense of relief now after typing this all out.

I do know the steps that I need to take to head back into the positive light. It is only a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and taking them. I need to make a doctor’s appointment to make sure I don’t have any underlying problems that could keep me from feeling better. And lastly, I need to remember and remind myself daily that there is no black and white in life and that there will be highs and lows but it is all part of the journey and these feelings cannot and will not last forever.